ENVIRONMENT AND CLIMATE CHANGE
Half the grey squirrels will be painted red to increase the red squirrel population
Climate change campaigners will be painted Green and sent to Countries such as Japan, China, Africa, India and South America to negotiate on climate change matters as these Countries consistently fail to join in with International Climate Change conferences.
All houses built on flood plains will have foundations made of sponge, in order to soak up surplus water.
Climate Change protesters will also be sent to Afghanistan, Sierra Leone or the Ivory Coast which are the Worlds least environmentally friendly Countries so that they will have plenty to protest about there and will challenge them to prove that they are fully committed to their beliefs so that they can actually make a difference.
We will also use 8 engine jet planes and send one at a time to help create more jobs in the aviation sector.
UNIVERSAL PROMOTION OF COAL POWER
Coal is a reliable fuel compared to solar power or wind energy and is predictable and dependable.
There are huge Global reserves.
It is not an intermittent energy source as it does not reply on the weather as it is independent of any type of weather and is a reliable fuel.
It is cheap compared to other fuels and is not affected by the current substantial price increases that are happening with gas and electricity across the world.
It can be used for many applications and is compatible with other courses of energy.
To access coal power will create many jobs,
It is relatively cheap to transport and store - everyone should have a brick coal-house and therefore constructing millions of them will provide employment for the building trades.
It has been estimated that there are nearly 144 years supply of coal left throughout the world + there are estimated to be substantial undiscovered reserves which could provide reserves of up to 470 years. Oil supplies are on the other hand are estimated to run out in 30 years or so.
CLEAN AIR
We intend to challenge scientists and activists as to how they will keep clean air from being blown away by the wind other than by constructing large domes over our Cities and Towns to keep the clean air in.
EMPLOYMENT
Jobseekers will be made to stand two abreast in order to halve dole queues.
Coalmining will employ thousands in the UK.
To move towards full employment we will engage people to paint anything that stands still and to promote our Green initiative the colour of paint used will be green.
We will promote the British clothing industry by reintroducing such fashions as pacamacs, Gannex raincoats, plus fours and vests..
EDUCATION
To get more children reading, fish and chips will once again be wrapped in newspaper.
Children will be made to sit closer together on smaller desks in to reduce school class sizes.
All Schools would have a Jumble Sale or fete or other fundraising event at least twice per month to help raise funds for those little extras. . . such as desks, books, paper, pens, etc
In the interests of fair education policy all children will automatically be given full marks in their exams.
Any child who is cleverer than their teacher will be allowed to take over the class and the teacher will stand at the back with a dunce’s hat on. He or she will then be on half pay until he or she has learnt enough to regain the upper ground. This is our policy for child empowerment.
Schools will be instructed to concentrate on the four Rs: Reading, Writing, Rock & Rave.
Children who bunk off school will be ordered to do community service as truancy officers.
Due to the decline in educational standards and vocabulary, it will be made law that every child should make up a new word every day and use it when talking to their mother. Potentially, English can develop 21,900,000,000 words in a single year if everyone follows this policy, thus enriching our language.
TRANSPORT
Electric Cars to pay £100 a year Tax
Petrol and Diesel to get £50 reduction in car tax
Also reversing the silly petrol/Diesel car end of production law.
Bikes to have to have Insurance Tax and Mot
£35 a year Bike Tax
Cyclists will be encouraged to only cycle at home or at gyms on static bikes which will be connected to the National Grid
Speed limit increase on Motorways to 80.
Emission taxes scrapped in all cities that have it
Classic cars are any over 25 year old and don’t pay road tax but still need mot
Trucks to get £80 off Road Tax.
Tractors have to have a black box to cut down speeding in towns.
Electric Vehicles to be fitted with external sound when driving so people can hear and stick to stop, look and listen as currently you cannot hear them.
Car Parks will still charge for parking whilst you charge an electric car
In order to combat motorway congestion we will immediately close all motorways to all vehicles with the exception of bicycles to encourage our green policy and fitness. Any bicycles with more than 3 gears will also be banned for safety reasons. Apart from anything else this will allow Police to get on with catching burglars. Traffic cops who are not intelligent enough to cope with proper police work will be allowed to wear their uniforms for a transitional period before being retrained as vicars.
Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centres.
All cars will be converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion.
4 wheel drive vehicles will only be allowed to drive off road, therefore stopping mothers picking up their children from school in them when they only live 100 yards down the road.
All motor vehicles will be wrapped in bubble wrap to make them safer.
Rather than to attempt re-opening disused railway lines we will put sound systems every 500 yards along the disused tracks which will play sound effects of old steam trains to keep railway loonies happy. When they choose to walk along the old railways nostalgically, men will be employed to throw buckets of soot over them every so often.
Vehicles will be fitted with bungy ropes in order to save fuel on the return journey.
Zebra crossings will be made permissible to all animals wishing to cross the road.
Yellow lines will be painted where you can park instead of where you can’t to save money.
Every car owner should be given a horse to tow it in case of fuel crises.
On the driving test learners will at least be able to phone one friend, take a fifty fifty choice of route or ask the other drivers in the traffic jam for advice.
Under 21 drivers will be restricted to Reliant Robins & 2CVs in a bid to reduce accidents involving ‘boy racers’.
In order to stop motorway congestion – We’ll Close Them!
All bus shelters will have central heating. This will be turned on full in summer and off in the winter, just like the buses.
Car meets and clubs will receive £5.00 fuel vouchers so you can pop and bang for a few minutes at a meet.
PENSIONS
OAPS will qualify for a Summer Ice Lolly Allowance if temperatures exceed 70 degrees.
Pensions will be fixed at 100% of MPs’ salaries (except for retired politicians, who’ve already bled the Country dry).
We will raise the old age pension to £2,000 a week for every pensioner who, for a period of more than 6 days, manages not to bore everyone witless about how brilliant their grandchildren are. To ease the transition period, special centres will be built where they may go once a week and rattle on about them. Unemployed people will be paid a ‘Bore Allowance’ of £50 a day to sit in front of them pretending to give a damn and saying “Mmm, how interesting” and “Really, well I never” and other statements as determined by the Government. Tea and biscuits will be provided and the Samaritans will be on hand to counsel any of the ‘Bore Allowance’ volunteers.
Meals will be served to pensioners on plates not on wheels.
NATIONAL ISSUES
National debt will be cleared by putting it all on our credit cards.
Income tax was introduced nearly two hundred years ago to pay for the Napoleonic Wars. These have now finished and at present we have no plans to go to war with France – therefore income tax will be abolished.
The north / south divide should become a more complicated mathematical equation rather than simple. We suggest a square root calculation.
Stamp duty will be cancelled as stamps are expensive enough without having to pay duty.
Besides leap years, there needs to be hop, skip, and jump years
We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.
POLICE AND SOCIAL ORDER
Anyone caught breaking the law will be made to mend it.
Any child found breaking the Auntie Social Behaviour Order will be sent to their Uncles for a good clip around the ear.
All Police will be made to say HELLO, HELLO, HELLO when making an arrest, this will treble the Police force.
All Police officers will be issued with mountain bikes, except those in the Flying Squad who will be issued with space hoppers instead.
Unruly teenagers will be super-glued together as if you can’t beat them, join them.
HEALTH
We aim to double the NHS bed capacity by building giant mirrors alongside every hospital.
Duplicate staff to man the new hospitals will automatically accompany this policy.
Smiling and laughing with patients will be made compulsory by ward staff, as this will encourage faster recovery (A Laughing Patient Is A Recovering Patient).
To facilitate a moral uplift for nurses the ridiculous paper mountain they have to wade through on each patient’s admission will be reduced to a couple of single sheet forms, with unduplicated questions which only relate to the reason for being there.
Until this policy can be fully implemented, we’ll require a tree to be planted for every patient admitted to hospital so that the current paper usage can be replaced.
Mental Health to get massive funding boost and new buildings built.
Ambulances will have a new siren sound they will play the instrumental version of Meat Loafs Bat Out of Hell.
Nurses should get a rise in pay.
GP's will have to work at weekends and stop virtual appointments.
PANDEMICS
To help prevent future pandemics karate will be taught in all schools so that the next generation can fight off any virus.
POLITICS AND PARLIAMENT
In reaction to the old adage, “Children are so honest” we intend to reduce the age of standing for Parliament from 21 to 5.
In Government, we will complete a 5 year Parliament in only 4 years. This policy not only ensures a 20% saving for the public purse but also gives everyone in the UK a year off from listening to our politicians.
Instead of a second home allowance M.P’s will have a caravan which will be parked outside the Houses of Parliament. This will make it easier as flipping a caravan is easier than flipping homes.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer will be instructed to revert to the original practice when the Government position was introduced of calculating the Country’s income and expenditure on a chequer board.
Any Home Secretary claiming to have more children than necessary will be made to run the House Of Commons Crèche.
We feel that a £84,144 a year salary is quite ample for the average person to survive on and that the £130,000 expenses that MP’s also manage to wangle is far too much. The expenses money will in future be distributed to the poor and needy so that they can waste it instead.
No one will be permitted to earn in excess of £86,584 per annum – ie the equivalent of an MPs salary
All earnings in excess of that figure will be confiscated for Party funds – or to hold parties as there seems to be very little difference
At every election people will get a chance to vote for the next General Election as well, so that if they die in-between they can leave their vote in their will.
Any MP whose constituency sells off a school playing field for development will be required to relinquish their own back garden as a replacement sports facility for the school.
All future Deputy Prime Ministers will be required to be fluent in at least one language to encourage the education system.
The Speaker in the House of Commons will be replaced by modern audio equipment
Government Whips will only be used if a politician has been really bad. Minor offences should receive the political slipper.
The Commons will have the power to make unruly MPs stand in the corner for ten minutes, wearing a pointy hat with a big ‘D’ on it.
Any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the Country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the Country themselves.
To level up snap Elections there will also be crackle and pop Elections.
IMMIGRATION
Everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made welcome, so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both parents.
Any Person who can prove that they or their descendants emigrated to the U.K before 55 A.D can stay. All the others will be repatriated to their original country. (Well we have to draw the line somewhere)
SPORT
Greyhound racing will be banned to prevent the Country going to the dogs.
All footballers will be made to wear slippers to make the game more interesting.
Boxing will be made obligatory for people we don’t like.
The Olympic Games will only allow British sports people to take part in order to help our gold medal chances.
Supporting Manchester United is to be a criminal offence, if you were born south of Crewe.
SUNDERLAND AIRSHOW CANCELLED
After 30 years because the place is going Carbon free.
We will try to bring back common sense and try get us out of this silly climate rubbish before we are not allowed to do anything or have anything fun. Make oil great again.
Bringing the Air show back will be a tremendous boost to the local economy in the North East.
OTHER POLICIES
Puddles deeper than 3 inches will be marked by a yellow plastic duck.
X-Ray machines will be manned by a skeleton staff.
Quitters will be encouraged not to start in the first place to improve their self-esteem.
Rich people should be taxed to pay for the printing of money, as they use most of it.
All children will be given two birthdays like the King.
The term sen’night will be used to refer to next Monday night, next Tuesday night etc as per the traditional English language.
The number 13 will be abolished due to its longstanding unpopularity. Buses will now not have a number 13 on them but not much else will be affected. Therefore if you see a bus with no number on it, it will be going wherever the number 13 bus used to go to. Please remember this for future reference.
We fully back the Government’s policy of discouraging binge drinking by opening pubs for 24 hours. We believe that 24 hours is not quite long enough and propose to make the length of a day 32 hours long so that the pubs can be open for even longer. We also rather like the Government idea of coming down hard on drugs by legalising them. Regarding tobacco it will now only be legal to smoke it with cannabis. Anyone found to have a ciggy not containing any cannabis will be made to walk to Coventry with a stone in their shoe, unless they come from Coventry in which case an alternative major city will be substituted on the advice of a Committee who will meet far too often and eat dope cakes.
All people that think that they have a right to roam will need permission from the Pope.
The white cliffs of Dover will be painted blue to camouflage our islands.
Anyone believing that their pet understands every word that they say to them will be asked to make the pet write a thesis to prove it.
Hat wearing will be encouraged by abolishing VAT on headwear. This will also help revive the UK’s ailing millinery industry. It will be illegal for bald people not to wear a hat in public. This will prevent accidents caused by sunlight reflecting into the eyes of unsuspecting aircraft pilots. This idea will also be extended into the Houses of Parliament.
Happiness is the key to a successful life … and it’s the small things in life that will keep us happy, we therefore feel it’s imperative that sweets, chocolates and small cakes should be made freely available.
The implementation of On-The-Spot penalties on rowdy drinkers should be implemented with a difference. Instead of marching the penniless drunks to a Cashpoint machine, they will be marched to designated electro-magnetic metal discs in the town square. After dressing the louts in padlocked metal soled boots, they will be rooted to the spot a safe distance from each other. At this point they can verbally release all their aggression until they are suitably soberable on the NHS.
We will encourage provision of cash machines with a little flap. From this flap your money will be passed to you by the hand of a bank employee, for that personal touch.
All dogs will be fitted with nappies to stop them pooing all over parks etc.
We don’t have any polices on youth. We think they’re probably better off without politicians interfering with them.
As the so called United States of so-called America are regretting their foolish decision to go it alone In 1776 in a spirit of forgiveness we will allow them to rejoin Great Britain and will give them full colonial status.
We shall launch a National Rock & Roll College where people can learn how to be roadies and the next Johnny Rotten.
Current time-keeping is too confusing – especially when you’re hung over, late for work and trying to figure out a 24-hour timetable. We will simplify the system. There will be 100 seconds to a minute, 100 minutes to an hour, 10 hours per day, 10 days per week, 5 weeks per month and 10 months in the year. This system was successful in the transfer to decimalisation 50 years ago.
We will abolish January and February. The weather will therefore be better with virtually no winter. And the NHS will save money because there will be fewer people getting colds and flu.
We shall fund research into why crop-circles never appear in turnip fields.
Military bases will be converted into Action Theme Parks where pensioners can re-live their wartime exploits.
Green Policy
All Second hand Pushbikes will be Recycled.
We Promise to report your Hole.
Black is The New Green. Oil and Coal will be classed as Green Energy.
